Mental Ventilation:

I plead my mental state as malnourishment and social deprivation.
My lack of motivation is more or less that I don't know what to do.
Mood swings are due to constant emotional teases. Roller coasters. How cliche of me.
I feel every one of my ribs squeezing to keep my spine from bending.
When will Dad explode
When will mom break down
When will Kinsey lose me
When will Brit and I see eye to eye again
When will I see Dom again
When will Christmas morning be here
When's the next slip up
When will I get out of this funk.

I hate to view myself as a pretender, so I claim it as 'doing what it takes to get through. Smiling, laughing, shaking hands, positive eyes, etc...
But me, I'm not really all that okay. There's always a different feeling slithering in my belly.
I am too dramatic about life.
Seriousness is what defines me and it's stupid.

I feel like I'm constantly waiting. Anticipating. Anxious. I'm missing something. There's a hole somewhere in my being and I haven't located it yet. I just know there's a leak and I'm losing myself through it.

I'm sick of being this.
JENELLE, JUST CHANGE.

But what changes are necessary? I am obsessing.
I hit no extremes except for hopelessness and that's retarded.

I have loose ends and stripped bolts and unfocused lenses.
I'm out of control. I'm out of control. My feelings are out of freaking control.

I'm always trying to fix myself. Jenelle, there's always something wrong with you.
That's how I see it. Progression. Freaking progress, Jenelle.

I have this problem,
And it's that I can't bring myself to love myself when I'm in need.
Buck up, that's all I can think.
You're being dramatic, let it go.
It doesn't matter, time will fuse your wounds shut.
Just wait. Be patient, Jenelle.
There are bigger problems. Oh, how I love to compare.
Roller coaster, I'm out of control.

What do I mean. What am I saying?
Life is beautifully complex. Simply hard, and hardly simple.

My lungs are gripping at my chest. Expanding, searching for fulfillment.
Failure. Hah.

Holiday's bleed right through me.
It's fine.


Be happy. Be happy. Find what makes you happy.
Be free. Get free. Feel free.

Stop being anxious,
Stop surviving,
And l.i.v.e.

I suck at this game.
This jerk is bleak.