Last night at Younglife it was my turn to give my testimony.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:35 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Keep going.
I have found myself looking back
and missing things and people that
are accurately placed in my past.
I keep being told "new chapter, Jenelle"
but I am still somehow in love with
the story that trails behind me.
I have yet to take a breather
while turning these pages
as fast as my fingers can.
Through the self-hatred,
self-mutilation, depression,
death, financial crashes,
neglect, education imbalance,
lying and stealing,
drinking, waking up next
to strangers, chemical drugs,
losing friends, sex, broken hearts,
cheating, pregnancy scares,
clutching on to "maybe" hopes,
the gossip, the loneliness,
stolen kisses, broken promises,
harsh words, false accusing,
misunderstandings,
failure to feel, failure to love,
leading on, face to face,
brokenness to brokenness.
New chapter, Jenelle.
Do not look back.
I am new...
Posted by reinventingventing at 1:54 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Oh, Jenelle.
You probably need to apologize for unnecessary flirting.
Posted by reinventingventing at 11:36 PM 0 comments
(: list:
Posted by reinventingventing at 12:29 PM 0 comments
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Beautiful boy
I loved him more than anything else in my life.
Posted by reinventingventing at 2:07 PM 0 comments
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday.
If you're given the chance to make a choice,
Posted by reinventingventing at 5:01 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Oh, Boy.
Today was one of those days that I ached for strong arms to fall into.
Someone to hold my face and tell me that everything is going to be just fine.
That yes, my father is a jerk, but not all men are monsters. Not all men are afraid, not all men are unfaithful-in all senses of the word.
You know, that boy that's stronger than I am? If such a boy exists, he must be mine.
I want to hear "I love you" and melt, and know that it's true.
I want to lock eyes with him and not be able to look away. I want to be treated exactly the way I should be treated. I want to not fear trusting, I want to be given the opportunities to be the brave girl that I am.
I want him to write about me.
I want him to dedicate songs to me.
I want him to call me cause he loves the sound of my voice.
I want him to pray for me every night, and text me scriptures every morning.
I want him to love me the way I should be loved.
I need him to do what's right no matter what the struggle or sacrifice is.
And to be honest, I don't think that's asking too much...
Posted by reinventingventing at 1:43 PM 0 comments
Testing.
God never stops testing, does He?
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:17 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
So today
was a turning point for me, I do believe.
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:48 PM 0 comments
Hello, Wednesday.
I've dreamed about Steve every night this week.
Posted by reinventingventing at 11:50 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
1:23PM
My mother told me that I need to start thinking about the things that I want, rather than just waiting around for God to physically lift me from my seat and place me where He wants me. I must locate where my desires have fled to. Because His word says that He will give me the desires of my heart. Looks like I've cheeped out and just dropped my desires.
Posted by reinventingventing at 1:24 PM 0 comments
I feel like God is trying to show me something. But I'm missing it, maybe.
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:40 AM 0 comments
Monday, October 20, 2008
Come find me.
Someone gentle, striving to represent the image of Christ.
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:57 AM 0 comments
Sunday, October 19, 2008
It's fine.
I am really enjoying posting things that I know no one will read.
Posted by reinventingventing at 2:05 PM 0 comments
Dread.
My dream last night was this:
I was traveling a really long distance back home (I have no idea where I was coming from) and I was in what seemed like a crappy motel room. I decided I needed a shower-but weird things kept happening. The water kept going cold-doors I know I closed, would all the sudden be open, and I was hearing weird sounds. Completely freaked out. So I try to grab my stuff to leave, but everything is unpacked and all over the floor. So I grab whatever I can, and slowly walk into the hallway. There are other people awake, (it's like 4am) all girls though, for some reason.
I ask one of the girls which way the exit is. She can't make eye contact with me and seems very distracted. She answers me anyways. She tells me to go left. Wrong directions. I come back to her and she's still got here eyes fixed on nothing. I think she was wearing a football jersey. I ask her how many fingers I'm holding up. (I hold up two fingers) She says, "That's a three" and continues trying to focus her eyes on something. I decide to find my own way out. I find the exit, but now I'm in this overgrown courtyard standing in dead grass. This man comes up to me. I have a feeling this isn't a motel. He tells me my parents sent me away to an insane asylum because I am crazy. He won't tell me why though. He hugs me-now I'm at a concert.
I somehow managed to escape? I am not sure.
I remember that I want to go back-so I do. I find my way back.
Someone that represents Steve is standing on the other side of this gate. He too, has checked into this place. We're talking through the gate. He is what I came back for. I keep asking him to come out and escape with me. But he won't. I don't understand. So I crawl back through the gate, back onto the asylums property. I hug him so so tight. I see two girls standing behind him. A young girl and a girl more my age.
All of the sudden this dream makes sense to me:
The little girl was doesn't exist anymore-and I kept seeing her places, that's why I got sent to this loony bin. The older girl, from what I thought, was Steve's girlfriend who also no longer existed. Him and I were close because we had both lost someone close to us. But then I realized that the girl was me. His girlfriend that I thought had died, was me. He came to stay with me in this crazy house because he loved me, and it ended up driving him crazy, too. And it all clicked in my head. I was flooded with emotion. Completely overwhelmed. Even now that I'm awake, I'm still a little flustered. It's like this unhealthy state of mind is okay with him as long as him and I are together. But the little girl, was me when him and I met. Innocent and eager. The older girl was me, unhealthy and broken. But I am free now-and need not to look back. I have to leave him here, in this ill place. I've asked him to come out, haven't I? To get healthy. But he won't. He won't. And that's not mine to carry. And I don't want him thinking he's caused a mental illness in me-I am free of it all. And walking forward and healthy.
I don't know what any of that means. But it was a scary dream to say the least.
Okay, well, it's Sunday morning and I need to get ready for church.
Don't wanna, but gotta.
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:05 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I cloud into my bedroom,
Hello striped walls.
Daybed smiles forwardly, into me, crawl.
I try desperately to breathe out my anxieties.
But I'm overtaken by societies
inability to make me whole.
Cold.
The whining inside my head
dulls my character.
Dare I open my mouth and express what I feel
What I fear
What I dare to attempt to deal.
Oh, but instead I sulk, don't I?
And the enemy, he lurks, doesn't he?
Definitely, he won't let me be.
So I press forward into this mess we call earth
And pray to heaven that this dream, I will birth.
Because waiting on sunshine,
and sipping on red wine,
is not enough to subdue my soul.
I unfold myself onto a piece of paper.
I staple my thoughts under the ink.
I can't blink.
Encouragement sweats out of my body.
Blotches of emotional paint cover my fingertips.
I try to create from this pain.
These fleeting thoughts,
this dot-to-dot picture that won't take shape
has been nothing but something I wish to escape.
But it's my life. This strange puzzle with too many pieces
is my work of art, a love that never ceases.
Fragile one,
I lay myself down.
Clutching vanity,
I let myself drown.
I pray for hope,
Receiving is a must.
Letting go of material,
leaving lifelessness in the dust...
Posted by reinventingventing at 8:38 PM 0 comments
Nice, Jenelle, nice.
Hey hi, hello. Blogger. Blogger, weird.
It is Saturday. My weekends have been dull lately. Because I work. I love to work. But I also love to hang out with friends. And people know that I work weekends, so they don't invite me to do things. At least I hope they know I work weekends and that's why they don't invite me?
Whatever. It's cool.
I'm not one to speak out about how I wish to avoid conforming. People with such opinions irritate me. Because we all conform in one or more areas of our life. We all live in the same world, and lets face it, society has our souls in a vice and every time we turn on the television, we're giving it more room to influence us.
With all that said (hah) my lack of conformation (if that is the right word to use) is that of which finances are involved. And voting and the whole game life plays with stocks, and gas prices, and taxes. Who invented that bullshit anyways?
Why are we measured by our wallets and physical stature? Who the fuck cares.
What does it take to sculpt people to be someone more than just existing? Existing is not living, and if you're not living, you might as well be dead. Nice, Jenelle, nice.
And there's where I fall in line. I am just existing. I am measuring myself by my wallet. Which currently has $2 in it. My physical appearance is growing more and more important to me. And guess what? So does everyone else's. Nice, Jenelle, nice.
But that's not me. No, not at all. So why do I feel like I HAVE to shift myself into the typical American role of life? My hair must be perfect and my money has to be in order.
You know what I want?
I want to shave my head, burn my car, quit my job, and put my hands on those in need and pray without ceasing.
Pray without ceasing.
But I am caught up in a rouge, feeling forced to be what I am. I am hating what I am.
And it's not a BIG deal. It's just a deal. A deal that I've been tricked into making. So eff me for that.
Lord God,
I keep praying for change. I have become that lazy Christian that prays for things, but won't try for things.
I have excuses that could convince the highest of authorities. But I can't fool myself. Or You, for that matter.
I just don't know how to put THE right foot forward and march...
Dress shopping with brothers fiance.
Posted by reinventingventing at 12:01 PM 0 comments
Friday, October 17, 2008
x
My tumblr has been overtaken by SCA-deep-as-toenails Senior high girls, and boys I don't want reading my thoughts.
So here's where my thoughts remain secret, I suppose. Until my social world comes bombarding into these written vent sessions as well.
I have come to realize that I'm not doing anything I want to be doing.
I want to dance. I am not dancing. I want to write. I am not writing. I want to work with kids. I am not working with kids. I want to make a difference. I am not making a difference. I want to go to school. I am not going to school. I want to travel. I am not traveling. I want to create. I am not creating.
So what do I do, though? How do I make time for the things I want to do? I can hardly figure out how to do the things that are necessary to survive. I have lost touch of understanding and willingness to walk without a map and/or plan of some sort.
I'm sick of who I am and the things that I do/do not do. I want some legitimate change. I want miracles and bombs going off. I want the passion in my joints to get me moving.
But I can't help but think that this is exactly where God wants me.
Why though, God? Where the hell am I? I am squeezing this season for all it's worth, trying desperately to learn and grow from whatever this trial may be. But what is it? What am I learning? What have I to prove?
And my heart races, and my face melts. I lift my hands but I can hardly stand. I dread the next morning because I have no promises. Or do I?
And the things I look forward to, collapse beneath my sore little feet. Hope is unseen. Like literally, it's not there, really.
I am finding constant insecurities and being unable to socialize appropriately.
Oh my gosh, the heavy things on my mind.
And then my thoughts race back to the fact that I'm not the only one working hard.
So I keep my mouth shut. And when people ask if I'm okay, I am wonderful. Because who wants to deal with one more person that's having a bad day? I have the tendency to stop loving myself. I am worth more than I give myself credit for. I am aware of that. But I won't step up and take what I think I deserve. Unless it is of the negatives.
Where is my family.
I hear giggling in the other room. I am still in my work clothes.
I'm waiting for my freaking phone to vibrate. Tell me Friday isn't blown. (But it is, isn't it?)
A shower is necessary but not necessarily wanted. My iPod is MIA, as usual, and music is the only thing that I enjoy about a shower.
I haven't had a legitimate conversation with my dad in months. That's fine, I guess. I need his approval. Though it's something not easily asked for. It's something given (or not given) without a request.
I am beginning to realize that the reason for my writing decrease, is because I'm afraid of what people will think if they know what they do. If I spill all my thoughts out without holding back, what will people think of me? It's not so much that I'm afraid to be judged, because lets face it, I will always be judged. It's more or less that I don't want the text messages asking if I'm okay. I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold my hand. And then there's the flip side. I don't want people telling me I'm a cry baby or thinking that all I do is whine.
Encouragement is all I'd ever want from someone. I'm not trying to milk anything or get anything from anyone.
If I could go anywhere right now, it would be the most dangerous part of the world.
If I could see anyone right now, it would be Dominic Miller.
If I could say anything right now, it would be: freedom, passion, power, love, & romance.
If I could have anything right now, it would be peace, understanding, and a deeper connection with the Holy Spirit.
If I could change anything right now, it would be everything about my life.
If I could grasp anything right now, it would be Gods plan for my life.
If I could be anyone right now, it would definitely be me.
Maybe that's too many if's. And maybe they're all ridiculous and un-doable.
But there it is.
I thought this huge typing spree would make me feel better.
But it has not, not at all.
Where has my outlet gone?
Expression has lost it's face to me.
Posted by reinventingventing at 9:36 PM 0 comments