Freaking freaking out.

I am shrinking
My best friend has lost the "best" title and is a stranger to me
My father makes me want to freak out
My exboyfriend haunts my fucking dreams, and every time he creeps up on me, I scream at him, I hit him, I hate him, I fucking hate him
My family is loose and weird and I miss all of everyone
The guy I adore, I have to admire from a far distance, because we will destroy each other with our hectic, self-loathing worlds. He's precious and I want him and won't stop til I have him-but I haven't started yet-so there's no need worrying about anything ever stopping.
I need a job but discouragement fucking drowns me and I'm scared and beat down and worn out and tired of trying. But I try
Christmas is around the corner and I need $700 or else my family gets thrown off of our car insurance. That hangs on my head. Ask for help, Jenelle. But I'm terrified.
Insecurity bloats my chest and it's physically visible.
Last night I spent four hours sitting to Doms left. That was the peak of it.
Everybody's got somebody and then there's me and the thought of him, us.
Everybody's got somebody and I need to step forward but I don't know how.
I need someone to lead me, to take care of me, but I'm Jenelle and everyone thinks I've got this under control.
I am out of control.
I need to jump in the shower but I'm obsessed with writing what I feel so here I am.
I work tonight and I'm glad.
I feel ungrateful, because I am.
I feel victimized because nothing else makes sense.
I feel weak and I feel vulnerable and no one knows or cares.
I want to see a psychiatrist but I have no idea what I'd say or how I'd do. Or if I could even be helped at this point.
I think about cutting but I won't do it.
I think about drugs to kill the emotion but I can't do that because it's wrong.
I think about sex and filling these voids with boys because they think I'm pretty, and for the most part that makes me feel good.
I think about how much I miss dancing and how it set me free. But I can barely move my feet across this house.
I think about publishing my writings some day but some day never really comes until it's here so what's the point of thinking about it.
My brother wrote this song, and I forget what it's called, but it says "Oh dreamer, come home"
And that's all I want to do. I want to be the dreamer I was, and more, and I want to find my home. Go home. Have home.
I never feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. There is no satisfaction in my current position.
Comfortableness is not of my world. Not now, anyways.
I'm reading a book about a drug addict going through rehab, and I feel like him, but to a lesser degree. It talks about screaming and being lost in his head and feeling alone and clinging to things and wanting things and needing things but knowing that if he gives in to it, it's wrong and he's dead for sure.
And that's how I feel. This feels impossible and I don't feel like I'm going to make it, but regardless of how I feel, I have to do this. This, being-what is right. Avoiding the wrong and staying in the light, no matter how much it burns.
I am lonely and tired and annoyed and all I want is for someone to rescue me. To kidnap me and take me somewhere that doesn't matter, but means the world to me.
I want someone to take me out to coffee and just talk to me. That's all I want. That's all I fucking want. Coffee and a talk. Something that's about me and only me and can make me feel better.
It hurts to be me and it hurts to wake up and it hurts to sleep and it hurts to live.
And that's fucking stupid because I love life and what mine's about but I can't take the pressure of living right now.
I can't pay the bills or make daddy better.
I can't make mom smile enough or tell my sister she's pretty enough to keep her from making mistakes.
I can't tell my brothers they're talented enough to rid them of their insecurities.
I can't embrace the guy I adore and feel like he feels safe.
I can't sleep at night and not see visions of my past and worries for my future.
I can't step outside my front door without wanting to run. Run fast, and far.
I know what I'd take, too.
I'd grab my $108 wadded cash, my tattered bible, lots of pens, and my notebook. I'd wear my high top vans cause they're warm and the only pair of shoes I have without holes or ready to break. I'd grab my teddy bear and my ipod and have only my favorite playlist and Goodnight Darling on it. I'd put it on shuffle, and on constant repeat. I'd throw on my Joe's cause they're the only pair of jeans that halfway fit the way I like them to and are new enough to not rip when I move. I'd put on my black vneck, chop my fucking hair off, steal the blue hoodie from my mom, shove everything in my backpack and just run. Just go. I'd call work and apologize for not being able to come in. I'd write a note saying this:
Mom: you are the only person that's gotten me through what I've gotten through
Dad: you're the only person that can make me cry. Thanks.
Nick: you're the only leader in my life I've ever respected.
Landis: I will miss you the most
Roni: you're so beautiful and so perfectly crafted. Draw and sing and do what your heart cries out to do.
Brittany: thank you.
Mackenzie: be honest with yourself
Kinsey: come find me
Dom: come find me
Gloria: pray for me, hard. Pray hard and don't stop.

Oh my gosh, so tempting. So tempting. Disappear and not come back til I've found myself.

But I'm here. And I feel trapped and caged and like walls are closing in and I just need to be free. I need to get out and to love what I have and to survive, but to live. Fucking live and not look back. Appreciate what I have and love what is to come, no matter what it is. I need a life-change and I want it fucking now. Life is changing but I'm getting harder and colder and more scared of myself and what I'm capable of becoming.
I am scaring myself. I am freaking myself out. Fear is creeping it's way into me and I fucking hate it, but it gives me reason to feel bad. The things I fear are typical scenarios that would happen to me.
I am stronger than this, but not today. I mean, I'm strong enough to get through today, but that's all it ever is, right?
I'm jumping in the shower and I'm letting the hot water burn all these thoughts out of my skin.

If I'm lucky, my whole house will catch on fire.
If I'm even slightly lucky, I will catch fire.
If my luck sucks, these candles will keep me awake with reality.

Monday 10:13am

You know you're having emotional malfunctions when
eating becomes a chore,
sleeping is the peak of your day,
you start feeling beautiful in sweats,
you hope no one notices you've become a hermit,
your teddy bear makes you smile,
you wear a messy bun on the top of your head,
you don't wash your face,
you get off work three hours early to go home and clean your room,
you can't pick a favorite song,
you describe everything in great detail,
and you avoid the things/people you love.

And that's where I'm at...

I hate it

when I wake up winded.

Mackenzie Marten.

Dear Jenelle: Remember when we formed a team out of hate for one person, and began loving each other?
I’m pretty sure I dont know how to thank you for your forgiveness. And friendship.

PS It’s so much fun watching on the sidelines with you.

"You know how many times I've thought about leaving you?
Why should I work my ass off for a woman that wont listen to me?"

Lord God,
maybe I can better express myself through this stupid thing than on paper.
I am aggravated with money situations. What am I going to do, Father? My parents are having to carry too much of this and I'm not okay with it. I have one month to come up with $1200. Faith, I keep telling myself. Faith in what though? You alone? You alone.
Last night I worked, then headed over to Doms to give him a giant pizza cookie. We were supposed to meet up with Sheen and Brit in Tempe, but they decided not to go. Instead they said we should see a movie. So Dom and I look up movie times and discuss which movie we should see. The girls decide they want to go bowling with a group of people in Scottsdale-so we concur and head out. Brit texts me and tells me they're not going bowling anymore so we shouldn't waste our gas driving all the way up there. So Dominic and I rolled off the freeway into Tempe Market place where our movie was playing in about two hours time. We walked around, grabbed coffee, ran into Josh, Lauren, and Alex-apparently there's rumor going around that I'm engaged to Cole. After that we grabbed some books at barns and noble and sat in the kids section reading and talking with each other.
We make it to the movie theater. Amy Lauricello was there with some friends. I ducked and hid. I didn't want to say hi to her. Why? I don't know. I just---I guess I've just heard people saying that her and Steve hooked up after we broke up-and she lied about it. I don't know. So I explain that to Dom.
Then we get inside, and Haylee Murphy steps through the door. Then I really duck. What the heck, God? I haven't seen her in ages. Telling Dom the relationship between her and I was... strange. The movie we saw, Pride and Glory, was pretty much a mistake. It was about corrupt police officers. They did horrible things and it ended really lame.
But with all things considered, it was my favorite night of the week thus far.
Mom bought me my dress for Cora's wedding. It's absolutely beautiful. I am so grateful.

Lord, what is your plan for my life?
What do I do with these bills and desires for relationship and escape?
Make things clear, Father. Please. I feel like people are going to start judging me based off of-well my lack of money.
That I'm being lazy cause I haven't found a job yet. But what do I do? Am I being a fool?

Be with my today.
I love You.

Random update.

I am not sure where to place certain things in my life.
Where to draw the line, where to give up.
What I should wait for, what I should count as loss.
Who I should let in, who I should invite in, who I should show to the door.
I call on Christ and all his might--with all my might.
I close my eyes, holding back these baby girl tears. It's because I am strong, I am tested.
While most kids are facing tests on paper and papers being teased, I am kissing reality and denying it's curse.
I have come to realize that if I want to be taken care of, I am the best person for the job. With Christ in my heart, and my will power behind me, I will survive and be vivid with it.
On my way home from work tonight, as I was driving down Gilbert Road, crossing Main, the idea of faith struck me so real. The Word talks about faith like a mustard seed can grow into something huge. Well, I'd say my faith is quite a bit larger than a mustard seed, but that doesn't mean that it can't still grow. And that's where I'm at. God is stretching my faith. What will I believe for? My family is in dire need of a miracle. Now how do I step out of the boat and believe for that, knowing good and well that the water beneath my may in fact gulp me into the pit of it's stomach? I keep my eyes on Christ and don't look back. Don't look back.
I can't bring myself to listen to secular music anymore. I can't say that it's a permanent change, but where I'm at right now calls for beautiful things that feed my inner soul. I find so satisfaction in flesh talk and desires. Gag me, please.
So I find myself tuning out to KLOVE in my car, resting to Grand Prize in my room, and writing for hours to God about anything/anyone and everything/everyone.
I trust that everything will be okay. That's not to say that everything is going to pancake itself-become simple and sweet, but it will be okay. Because I am me, and I can handle this. This varies. But I've got it (:

Where am I right now?
I feel like I need to be overdramatic about a few things. Vent. But out loud.
I need to say things I've been keeping inside. Speak my mind.
Express my feelings, and my struggles.
I want attention, but I don't want to ask for it.
I don't understand myself, to be honest.
All I want is for someone to sit me down, look me in the eye and ask me how I'm doing.
But silly me, I know that if someone genuine did do that, I'd hand them the most brilliant smile, and tell them that life is going so well.
It's like I find some twisted pleasure in being able to convince people I'm fine, when I'm not.
It's an art, really. To put myself out there and appear to be this colossal being. Standing in the middle of a violent chaos and being fine.
Maybe I am fine. I am confused.
Though I know my feet are solid on my Rock, I still feel things shifting beneath me. Nothing is sure, but I don't fear loss.
Maybe I'm just craving someone to speak wisdom into my life. I want a conversation that will change me.
I want my eyes to open. My heart to open. Doors to open.
But everything seems to be shutting, shutting, shutting.

I keep having dreams about a boy. He has no face. He's a being that I'm in love with. He's the one for me. But I can't see him for some reason. Last night him and I went to Disney Land. The night before he kissed me right in front of my parents and it was the sweetest thing. Maybe it is just some fantasy dream, from the longing in my heart. But I'd love it if it meant something more.
This world, our economy, the corruption that grows increasingly larger day by day, communicates to me that I will end up either completely alone forever, or with a con artist that lies, cheats, and fakes everything for his own self-gain.
Oh, what hope I've lost in our men.
I feel like this winter is going to be a cold one.

Lord God,
May Your fire and warmth show through me this season. Help me lift and plant. AH!
Jeremiah 1:8-12
"Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the Lord. Then the Lord stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth, See I have appointed you this day over nations and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."
So there is the prayer of my heart. Call me out, as you already have (?). Put Your words in my mouth, Father. Give me nations and kingdoms, to break down and to rebuild. Destroy the enemies territory, help me practice using my authority You've given me to overthrow. I want to plant seeds of love, grace, mercy, faith, hope, Lord God DO IT!

Maybe You've been keeping me in this small cave for a purpose? So You can ready me for the days to come. This loneliness and darkness is only a taste of what our world is destined to swallow, isn't it? Help me better understand You in this world. What can I do? I will do it.

You have made me brave for a reason. You have given me this spunk and "sass" with a purpose and I intend on using it just for You.

Psalm 30:2

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
and you have healed me.

I scramble helplessly, searching for joy and verification through faces, hands, words, gestures of others.
I am always let down. Always.
And then I am struck with Gods overwhelming goodness and strength. His power is so... powerful.
And through circumstances I come to realize that this doesn't matter. But-what does? What does matter? Now I don't understand. What is God trying to communicate to me?
I want to speak my mind. Voice my feelings and let someone know where I'm at with my walk, with my life. But who do I trust? I feel I have to be strong for people. Like I need to show them that I am strong and can handle life even at it's utter worst. Because I can, I can handle this. Whatever this is. So who do I turn to in time of need? Christ is my heart. He holds me together and pulls me through this sluggish hell. Through and through. Loved. Gratitude.
Who will speak in to my life? Who will influence me and change me? Is it wrong for me to want someone to look at me with bigger eyes and a wider dream? Encouragement. That's what I'm longing for. I want someone to stand up and say, "Jenelle, you can do this. You are strong and able and God will bless you."
I tell myself these things. And it works, for the most part, ya know? I just want that extra push. That support from underneath and all around.


I've been thinking a lot about that verse that talks about the fruit of our labor. The works, the seeds that we plant, grow fruit. Are they good or bad fruits? What do I have to show for all my work I've pounded into my life this year? Nothing? Nothing. That's how it feels. Yes, I've become solid as a freaking rock in Christ and I have gone through some serious growing pains. But what have I done with this? I have nothing to show. So does that mean I've done something wrong? I don't understand. I try so hard to walk right, to do what's right. To be appropriate. To pray with the rawest of hearts. To cut myself open and let God reheal what I know I've ripped open. I strive to understand love, and grace, and mercy, and forgiveness, and compassion. I try so hard. What have I accomplished? It feels like nothing. It looks like nothing.
I keep anticipating my time. But maybe I'm wrong for thinking I deserve a break. Lord God, if there's some kind of sin in my life that I'm blind to, that's keeping me from your promises and your blessings in my life, open my eyes to it. I don't care how painful or how hard. Set me free of this inner struggle. I'm begging you. Give me a break. Set me free. Set me free. Speak to me. What can I do? What can I say? If I just need to be grateful, help me. If I'm in dire need for a change of heart, help me. I want to have straight lines and a paved road. I'm not looking to venture off, or to test the waters of the fleshly world that surrounds me. I just want You. You're all I want and I know that You're all I need. Set me free. Teach me. Give me wisdom and new understanding. I won't be afraid. I will hold my ground. I will not look back. I will push forward and dig deeper.

And perhaps this is why You allow me to struggle, because You know that my tactic for survival is to clutch onto You like nothing else matters. Because, nothing else matters.
Show this world what matters, Lord.
I place myself in Your Hands, Father.
The boys,
The girlfriends,
The socials,
The family,
The parents,
The hate,
The fear,
The lack,
The pride,
The disobedience,
The sin,
The dreams,
The neglect,
The thoughts,
The emotions,
The poverty,
The work,
The pain,
The suffering,
November 2007
January 2008
September 2005
Lord God,
Help me.
You are all I need.

Jenelle

puts down her vulnerability

and picks up her independence.

Done putting herself out there 

to be left stranded.

She's better off fending for herself.

He will come. Whoever he is, I am not sure.

Said once "I'd rather end up alone then be with someone I don't really love."

So hold to that. Don't settle for second best or cave to loneliness.

There are always tons of reasons to give in,

but even slight hope is enough to hold your ground.

Don't force anything, let life live.

Smile, and hold Jesus close.

Forgive, and do your best to forget.

Don't hold grudges, they only damager you.

Dream as much as you can. Don't let circumstance or other 

people tell you what's what.

Be your own person.

Understand that you're going to wake

up alone for a few more years,

cook dinner for one,

stay in on the weekends,

and there's a good chance you won't

have a goodnight text or phone call

waiting for you at 12am.

Sometimes we are alone.

And it's a good thing, if you can hack it.

So show your strength, and prove

to yourself that you alone (through Christ)

can pull through any danger zone and

negative emotion.

There is no reason to feel down,

So let Christ lift you...