I scramble helplessly, searching for joy and verification through faces, hands, words, gestures of others.
I am always let down. Always.
And then I am struck with Gods overwhelming goodness and strength. His power is so... powerful.
And through circumstances I come to realize that this doesn't matter. But-what does? What does matter? Now I don't understand. What is God trying to communicate to me?
I want to speak my mind. Voice my feelings and let someone know where I'm at with my walk, with my life. But who do I trust? I feel I have to be strong for people. Like I need to show them that I am strong and can handle life even at it's utter worst. Because I can, I can handle this. Whatever this is. So who do I turn to in time of need? Christ is my heart. He holds me together and pulls me through this sluggish hell. Through and through. Loved. Gratitude.
Who will speak in to my life? Who will influence me and change me? Is it wrong for me to want someone to look at me with bigger eyes and a wider dream? Encouragement. That's what I'm longing for. I want someone to stand up and say, "Jenelle, you can do this. You are strong and able and God will bless you."
I tell myself these things. And it works, for the most part, ya know? I just want that extra push. That support from underneath and all around.


I've been thinking a lot about that verse that talks about the fruit of our labor. The works, the seeds that we plant, grow fruit. Are they good or bad fruits? What do I have to show for all my work I've pounded into my life this year? Nothing? Nothing. That's how it feels. Yes, I've become solid as a freaking rock in Christ and I have gone through some serious growing pains. But what have I done with this? I have nothing to show. So does that mean I've done something wrong? I don't understand. I try so hard to walk right, to do what's right. To be appropriate. To pray with the rawest of hearts. To cut myself open and let God reheal what I know I've ripped open. I strive to understand love, and grace, and mercy, and forgiveness, and compassion. I try so hard. What have I accomplished? It feels like nothing. It looks like nothing.
I keep anticipating my time. But maybe I'm wrong for thinking I deserve a break. Lord God, if there's some kind of sin in my life that I'm blind to, that's keeping me from your promises and your blessings in my life, open my eyes to it. I don't care how painful or how hard. Set me free of this inner struggle. I'm begging you. Give me a break. Set me free. Set me free. Speak to me. What can I do? What can I say? If I just need to be grateful, help me. If I'm in dire need for a change of heart, help me. I want to have straight lines and a paved road. I'm not looking to venture off, or to test the waters of the fleshly world that surrounds me. I just want You. You're all I want and I know that You're all I need. Set me free. Teach me. Give me wisdom and new understanding. I won't be afraid. I will hold my ground. I will not look back. I will push forward and dig deeper.

And perhaps this is why You allow me to struggle, because You know that my tactic for survival is to clutch onto You like nothing else matters. Because, nothing else matters.
Show this world what matters, Lord.
I place myself in Your Hands, Father.
The boys,
The girlfriends,
The socials,
The family,
The parents,
The hate,
The fear,
The lack,
The pride,
The disobedience,
The sin,
The dreams,
The neglect,
The thoughts,
The emotions,
The poverty,
The work,
The pain,
The suffering,
November 2007
January 2008
September 2005
Lord God,
Help me.
You are all I need.