Where am I right now?
I feel like I need to be overdramatic about a few things. Vent. But out loud.
I need to say things I've been keeping inside. Speak my mind.
Express my feelings, and my struggles.
I want attention, but I don't want to ask for it.
I don't understand myself, to be honest.
All I want is for someone to sit me down, look me in the eye and ask me how I'm doing.
But silly me, I know that if someone genuine did do that, I'd hand them the most brilliant smile, and tell them that life is going so well.
It's like I find some twisted pleasure in being able to convince people I'm fine, when I'm not.
It's an art, really. To put myself out there and appear to be this colossal being. Standing in the middle of a violent chaos and being fine.
Maybe I am fine. I am confused.
Though I know my feet are solid on my Rock, I still feel things shifting beneath me. Nothing is sure, but I don't fear loss.
Maybe I'm just craving someone to speak wisdom into my life. I want a conversation that will change me.
I want my eyes to open. My heart to open. Doors to open.
But everything seems to be shutting, shutting, shutting.

I keep having dreams about a boy. He has no face. He's a being that I'm in love with. He's the one for me. But I can't see him for some reason. Last night him and I went to Disney Land. The night before he kissed me right in front of my parents and it was the sweetest thing. Maybe it is just some fantasy dream, from the longing in my heart. But I'd love it if it meant something more.
This world, our economy, the corruption that grows increasingly larger day by day, communicates to me that I will end up either completely alone forever, or with a con artist that lies, cheats, and fakes everything for his own self-gain.
Oh, what hope I've lost in our men.
I feel like this winter is going to be a cold one.

Lord God,
May Your fire and warmth show through me this season. Help me lift and plant. AH!
Jeremiah 1:8-12
"Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the Lord. Then the Lord stretched out His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me, "Behold, I have put My words in your mouth, See I have appointed you this day over nations and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant."
So there is the prayer of my heart. Call me out, as you already have (?). Put Your words in my mouth, Father. Give me nations and kingdoms, to break down and to rebuild. Destroy the enemies territory, help me practice using my authority You've given me to overthrow. I want to plant seeds of love, grace, mercy, faith, hope, Lord God DO IT!

Maybe You've been keeping me in this small cave for a purpose? So You can ready me for the days to come. This loneliness and darkness is only a taste of what our world is destined to swallow, isn't it? Help me better understand You in this world. What can I do? I will do it.

You have made me brave for a reason. You have given me this spunk and "sass" with a purpose and I intend on using it just for You.