Freaking freaking out.

I am shrinking
My best friend has lost the "best" title and is a stranger to me
My father makes me want to freak out
My exboyfriend haunts my fucking dreams, and every time he creeps up on me, I scream at him, I hit him, I hate him, I fucking hate him
My family is loose and weird and I miss all of everyone
The guy I adore, I have to admire from a far distance, because we will destroy each other with our hectic, self-loathing worlds. He's precious and I want him and won't stop til I have him-but I haven't started yet-so there's no need worrying about anything ever stopping.
I need a job but discouragement fucking drowns me and I'm scared and beat down and worn out and tired of trying. But I try
Christmas is around the corner and I need $700 or else my family gets thrown off of our car insurance. That hangs on my head. Ask for help, Jenelle. But I'm terrified.
Insecurity bloats my chest and it's physically visible.
Last night I spent four hours sitting to Doms left. That was the peak of it.
Everybody's got somebody and then there's me and the thought of him, us.
Everybody's got somebody and I need to step forward but I don't know how.
I need someone to lead me, to take care of me, but I'm Jenelle and everyone thinks I've got this under control.
I am out of control.
I need to jump in the shower but I'm obsessed with writing what I feel so here I am.
I work tonight and I'm glad.
I feel ungrateful, because I am.
I feel victimized because nothing else makes sense.
I feel weak and I feel vulnerable and no one knows or cares.
I want to see a psychiatrist but I have no idea what I'd say or how I'd do. Or if I could even be helped at this point.
I think about cutting but I won't do it.
I think about drugs to kill the emotion but I can't do that because it's wrong.
I think about sex and filling these voids with boys because they think I'm pretty, and for the most part that makes me feel good.
I think about how much I miss dancing and how it set me free. But I can barely move my feet across this house.
I think about publishing my writings some day but some day never really comes until it's here so what's the point of thinking about it.
My brother wrote this song, and I forget what it's called, but it says "Oh dreamer, come home"
And that's all I want to do. I want to be the dreamer I was, and more, and I want to find my home. Go home. Have home.
I never feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. There is no satisfaction in my current position.
Comfortableness is not of my world. Not now, anyways.
I'm reading a book about a drug addict going through rehab, and I feel like him, but to a lesser degree. It talks about screaming and being lost in his head and feeling alone and clinging to things and wanting things and needing things but knowing that if he gives in to it, it's wrong and he's dead for sure.
And that's how I feel. This feels impossible and I don't feel like I'm going to make it, but regardless of how I feel, I have to do this. This, being-what is right. Avoiding the wrong and staying in the light, no matter how much it burns.
I am lonely and tired and annoyed and all I want is for someone to rescue me. To kidnap me and take me somewhere that doesn't matter, but means the world to me.
I want someone to take me out to coffee and just talk to me. That's all I want. That's all I fucking want. Coffee and a talk. Something that's about me and only me and can make me feel better.
It hurts to be me and it hurts to wake up and it hurts to sleep and it hurts to live.
And that's fucking stupid because I love life and what mine's about but I can't take the pressure of living right now.
I can't pay the bills or make daddy better.
I can't make mom smile enough or tell my sister she's pretty enough to keep her from making mistakes.
I can't tell my brothers they're talented enough to rid them of their insecurities.
I can't embrace the guy I adore and feel like he feels safe.
I can't sleep at night and not see visions of my past and worries for my future.
I can't step outside my front door without wanting to run. Run fast, and far.
I know what I'd take, too.
I'd grab my $108 wadded cash, my tattered bible, lots of pens, and my notebook. I'd wear my high top vans cause they're warm and the only pair of shoes I have without holes or ready to break. I'd grab my teddy bear and my ipod and have only my favorite playlist and Goodnight Darling on it. I'd put it on shuffle, and on constant repeat. I'd throw on my Joe's cause they're the only pair of jeans that halfway fit the way I like them to and are new enough to not rip when I move. I'd put on my black vneck, chop my fucking hair off, steal the blue hoodie from my mom, shove everything in my backpack and just run. Just go. I'd call work and apologize for not being able to come in. I'd write a note saying this:
Mom: you are the only person that's gotten me through what I've gotten through
Dad: you're the only person that can make me cry. Thanks.
Nick: you're the only leader in my life I've ever respected.
Landis: I will miss you the most
Roni: you're so beautiful and so perfectly crafted. Draw and sing and do what your heart cries out to do.
Brittany: thank you.
Mackenzie: be honest with yourself
Kinsey: come find me
Dom: come find me
Gloria: pray for me, hard. Pray hard and don't stop.

Oh my gosh, so tempting. So tempting. Disappear and not come back til I've found myself.

But I'm here. And I feel trapped and caged and like walls are closing in and I just need to be free. I need to get out and to love what I have and to survive, but to live. Fucking live and not look back. Appreciate what I have and love what is to come, no matter what it is. I need a life-change and I want it fucking now. Life is changing but I'm getting harder and colder and more scared of myself and what I'm capable of becoming.
I am scaring myself. I am freaking myself out. Fear is creeping it's way into me and I fucking hate it, but it gives me reason to feel bad. The things I fear are typical scenarios that would happen to me.
I am stronger than this, but not today. I mean, I'm strong enough to get through today, but that's all it ever is, right?
I'm jumping in the shower and I'm letting the hot water burn all these thoughts out of my skin.