I feel like God is trying to show me something. But I'm missing it, maybe.

I had another dream about Steve last night, but I don't think it had any significance. 

We were in a wedding together. It wasn't weird at all. We were comfortable with each other, and we had other mutual friends that were also in the wedding with us.

Everything was fine and dandy. The second we jump in the car, he's sitting directly behind me-he starts rubbing my back, tickling my arms. Eventually starts grabbing at me. I'm weirded out. I don't know what to do. I play it off like nothing happened. I'm fine, right? Yes. I'm fine. Sure.

That's the meaty part of the dream. Most of what I remember anyway.

Yesterday I found something I bookmarked on my browser. It was last October. I was writing about where I stood in life, and a lot of writings about Steve. I have forgotten how much I truly loved him. He was everything to me. I was serious about being with him forever. My heart was set on it. I wanted nothing more than to walk into my dreams with him-not walk away from him.

Sometimes I think if that girl had known how much I loved him, how much I sacrificed for him, how much I'd do for him, she would never have done what she did. How could she? If she understood?

And then I think-Steve knew, didn't he? He knew I loved him. And he did it anyways. Despite my heart that was attached to his. His air was my air-and he deprived me of that.

But then I think, maybe I didn't express myself enough. Maybe if I had been different, if I had shown my love more. Said it more. Let him lead more. Made him feel better about him, and me. Maybe he would have stayed. 

Why did he choose the wrong thing? It wasn't me, it couldn't have been. 

But why did he do it? 

And then, the sex, was merely a slap in his face. Revenge from a broken, mentally unstable girl. 

That boy got exactly what he had been trying for. Always getting what he wants, and ridding everyone else of their personal rights and dignity. 

I feel like I'm past this, but it still kind of drags behind.

I feel like the cheating has been forgiven. I don't hurt about it anymore. I don't understand it, but  I forgive it.

January 15th was my bad. Triggered by his bad. I blame him, but I will take responsibility for my actions. I don't know what was running through his head, but I know what was running through mine. "Fine."

And now I suppose it is this: I don't know if he still loves me, but he's still tied to me somehow. And I know I could get him to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And I'm not saying that in a bitch tone. I just know that his heart is precious and will always long to come to my rescue. And me? I know that the romantic love for him that I cherished and took such good care of, has died. I am finally okay with that. There is just so much that I don't understand. His stand on love is that love is everlasting-if it is real. He claims a real love for me, but he couldn't stand strong enough to prove it. He tested me like I've never been tested. Challenging my words and my love even after he had cut me off. I'm not the only one that broke these promises. 

It was high school love. It was precious and adventurous. But it crashed hard, and burned, melting everything into the dirt. 

I see him this weekend. It's always a different emotion when I see him now. I'm not looking forward to seeing him, but I'm not dreading it. Last time was a disaster. This time-there will be a hello and hopefully he won't do anything to hurt me. He wasn't the best at being a boyfriend, but he's even worse at being an ex.

I wonder what he says about me.

As sluggish as I feel, I know I'm pulling out of this-now. It's like the tiny remnants left in my heart, the shrapnel I couldn't pluck out before, is finally bleeding itself out of me. 

I think sooner or later I'm going to need to hear/know/realize the wrongs I've done through this process. I've asked him a million times if I've done anything to hurt him. He always says no, that I've been so good. But now, I can't help the feeling that he thinks differently.

I've definitely said some things I shouldn't have. That very well may have found their way back to his ears.

I am sorry.